Getting Older Twaddle

I am sure that I have banged on about getting older more than once or twice. It is, after all, a process that the majority of people have to face and deserves comment of sorts.

Firstly, the truth is that I don't really mind getting older. It has it's merits. Mentally, even during my low patches, I am so much more together that I was twenty years ago. I would not actually want to be twenty five again if it meant that I had to have the same pea brain that I had then.

The physical aspect of getting older is a bit boring. You do have to be mindful of what you eat, exercise a bit more and come to terms with the "sag" factor that goes with it all. You would not care to jump from a table onto the floor without thinking carefully about what you do in case it hurt too much.

I know that I would never embrace the prospect of plastic surgery to look younger. Bit like holding back the tide with your hand. You may well have a younger looking face but what about the not so firm neck that is a contradiction to the face. I mean, nothing short of a body lift would do the job properly and then you may look weird.

Besides, you may well look twenty years younger after a face lift, but you sure as hell won't move like a person twenty years younger. That is, of course, unless you are Madonna whose lithe movements are fairly impressive for someone about to hit the big five-o. But the average person in the street is not a millionaire with a full time personal trainer, chef, yoga mentor and masseuse to get us through the day. Believe me, I reckon I would look pretty damn hot if I had all those people around to tend to me before I left the house each morning.

Over the years I have read trashy magazine upon trashy magazine and been exposed to possibly tens of thousands of advertisements going on about the virtues of using a particular moisturiser to hold back the march of time which is going to leave big fat, saggy and wrinkly footprints on my aging face as it passes by. I have always treated these advertisements with disdain and brushed over them with a cursory glance.

That is until now.

You see, a few weeks ago we decided to have a slide night at home. I love slide nights. They really are the silliest thing. Anyway, we were going through all the different eras making the usual comments when my son said "mum, why are there almost no photos of you?". I said that there were. And then K said "No, really, there are so many of your family and brother and sisters and only a handful of you. Even our overseas trips only have a small amount of you".

What could I say. They were right. I really do not have that many photos around of me. I tend to take the photos and not be in them. So to change this direction I have made a point of telling my son or husband to take a photo of me when we are out and about.

Trouble is, I hate having my photo taken and very, very rarely like the outcome. The good thing about a digital camera is that you can take loads of photos until you get exactly what you like.

So, S has the camera in hand and takes a couple of photos of me last night. Each photo he takes is accompanied by a hoot of laughter or a big frown.

Then he says things like:

"your eyes are droopy"
"you have too many wrinkles"
"lift up your head and then you can't see your double chin"
"what is that crease on your face?"
"don't smile so much, it makes you look wrinkly"
"another ugly one"
"mum, you are just getting old and that is why you look bad"
"don't worry, you look better in real life"

Now, these comments have made me rethink my choice of moisturiser in the vain hope that out there, somewhere, is truly, truly a magical pot of smooth and creamy emollient that when smeared on my saggy, wrinkly, drooping face, will transform it back to the dewy cheeked velveteen skin I had at twenty five.

I have worked out that the bigger the words in the ingredients, the more impressed and hopeful I feel about the possible outcome.

Descriptions that include words like "radiance", "microlift", "resurface" and "morpholift" suggest a metamorphosis from aging moth to youthful butterfly within a week of using it. Oh, and words like "glycolic", "ceramide", "salicylic", "alpha-hydroxy acid" and "hydroquinone" surely imply that a scientist has been working on it and everyone knows that a scientist works on a facts basis. It must be true.

Then I see the price tag that goes with the promises and decide that I am just not that unhappy with my skin. More than the price of gold per ounce surely.

I mean really, to an eleven year old boy it is to be expected that I am ancient.

And, don't give me that twaddle about wrinkles being the laugh lines of a life lived etc.

They suck.

Ciao
LC

Losing Track Twaddle

Since I got back from my overseas trip (April 11th) I have no sense of direction of what I am doing or what I want to do. I actually have been feeling the bite of the black dog a little more than I care to acknowledge. For to actually admit that I may be experiencing a sniff of depression again would strike me with a bit of fear. I don't want to go back there. It is hard work, tiring work and draining work to live with.

Step by step is the journey that takes you to and from it and I am always on that path.

The overseas trip was the catalyst for me. The lack of routine, being in another place, the cold weather, the different beds, lack of sleep, lack of structured exercise and then at least a week of appalling jet lag was enough to tip the little scales that send one asunder into the hole where the sides are like gravel and slip from under you as you try to regain some footing. I have slipped back into some thinking processes that are negative.

Small things indicate to me that something is not quite right. Things that perhaps you would not see as particularly major are actually signals that something is amiss within me. The worst thing for me is that I am unable to write. I have the ideas but the motivation has gone completely and this is always an indication of my being out of sorts. My anxiety levels are high and more frequent than I care for. Anxiety is a dreary state of affairs and getting to the root of it can be confronting.

Having to tackle it head on is something I have to completely immerse myself in. Fortunately I have two people I live with who know what to do when I am down for a long, long time. They watch for my moods and know not to react if I am anxious, tense or fearful. I, in turn, have learnt never to take it out on them.

It is okay and I will plod through it over the wintry months (when I seem to fall into this hole a bit deeper) and pop my head up one day and feel better.

Writing it down helps as I can take the thoughts out of my head, put them on paper and then study them as a student would when doing a project.

So, this is my project. Shore up the sides of the hole I happen to be sitting in and then climb out.

Ciao
LC

Sunday Party

My boy turns 11 tomorrow (1st July). So we organised a party for him and his friends.

When boys get to a certain age it is better to have a birthday party off site rather than have ten testosterone charged boys running around my house in the middle of winter (rainy and windy outside).

He chose the birthday cake which I made and decorated accordingly. It was a rich chocolate cake smothered in creamy chocolate icing, smarties and maltesers. I can assure you that it was not low fat and was very heavy.


He had his party at a place called Sidetracked which is an extremely well organised indoor go-karting venue. Everything runs like clockwork there. You are greeted at the party room which is run by young men. Each group has a party supervisor who directs all the boys where they next have to go.

The first port of call was ten minutes of go-karting. Something happens to boys when they get behind the wheel of a car, any car. It was foot down and go as fast as you can the whole time. I think a few of them thought perhaps it was Dodgem cars and did their best to run up the backside of the kart in front.

After this introduction to some adrenalin pumping action they were herded off the Laser Force which involves the wearing of body packs with light sensors on them, being armed with a laser gun and trying to shoot as many of the opposing team as possible. They were twenty minutes in the semi darkness, running around and shooting wildly. When they finally tumbled out of the place they were covered in sweat and all pumped up.

Some ten pin bowling to wear them completely out.

And finally a feast of party pies, sausage rolls, chips and the birthday cake.

At the end of the day I was tired from the noise of children, go-karts and a variety of machines which ate money at a rapid rate with the promise of a prize.

At the end of the day S was worn out. He said it was his best birthday ever. Due to the large amount of junk food and lollies that was eaten throughout the day he went to bed without dinner.

All in all, a fun day had by all.

Ciao

LC

The Male Species And Pain Management

I know that what I am about to reveal is not new, but men are a bit pathetic when it comes to pain. Any pain really.

When I have a cold I just get on with life. When I get my period I just move on with the day accordingly (whilst everyone around me suffers my mood). When I hurt my back, I just ignore it. When I have had surgery on a Monday I have been back at work on a Wednesday. When I have food poisoning or a tummy bug, I vomit in an unassuming and silent manner. If I cut myself and bleed I am able to find a bandage and wrap it up before deciding whether or not I need stitches. I am a female and therefore stoic.

When my husband has a cold you would think it was actually the bird flu. When he hurts his back he gives an audible moan everytime he moves. When he has had a tummy bug I swear that you would think he was giving birth with the noises that come out at the same time. He cannot stomach the sight of his own blood and gets lightheaded if he sees it. He is a man therefore his pain tolerance is at a lower level.

Well, I realise that this male reaction to pain starts early. The other day S had a sore eye. It annoyed him throughout the day and when he went to bed at night he was really upset. I gave him an eyewash in case he had some dust in it. The eyewash was a mild saline solution but I thought perhaps it was caustic soda due to his intense objection to it.

Later on he went to bed in a sad state. Told me how awful his life was now that he had this sore eye and he was going to suffocate into his pillow if the pain did not stop. He could not watch his dvd whilst lying in bed because his eye hurt. I suggested that he just pop his hand over it and watch the dvd with his good eye. He insisted that tactic was not going to work and could I get some sort of bandage for him. He wanted something soft to put against the eye.

The photo below shows the best I could come up with. It worked.

His eye was perfectly normal the next day.

Ciao
LC

Exercise In Winter

I have previously mentioned how I am a reluctant devotee of regular and hard exercise. My regime is governed by whatever the group personal trainer deems to be the go. Three times a week in the evening I make my way to the park where it is held. Sometimes I just do not feel like it, but go regardless. The days in between that I go for a long walk.

In summer is is beautiful. The sky is still blue in the evening, the air is warm and the grass is brown and dry with dust that rises up when you step on it. It feels good to exercise in the warm air. Kind of free as you can wear a singlet top and shorter pants and feel the lovely hot breath of the evening air on any bare skin. I have a love hate relationship with the heat when I exercise. It makes it hard to get moving, moving through that warmth but once my middle aged limbs feel limbered up it is great. The stinging sweat at the end of a session is worth it all.

But, as with everything, the seasons change and along with that change comes the chill of wintry months creeping in. Winter here in Melbourne, Australia is pretty lame compared to the other side of the world. I suppose the average winter day here is like a jolly spring day in England. But regardless of that, winter is still a lot colder than summer.

Exercise is an activity that most people really are not that keen on, and I can understand that. It has only been in the last three years that I have embraced the whole healthy and active lifestyle. Previous to that I would not be lying if I said that I paid for five twelve month memberships at different gyms and went only once or twice. In fact, I do know that one gym I did not go to once. Which is a story that I am sure is repeated everywhere.

Anyway, now it is winter and I have to readjust my mind to exercising in the dark, the grounds lit up only by a feeble spotlight. Sometimes I look out the window before I go and my heart sinks when I hear the patter of rain outside. Even worse when the rain is steady and heavy - as it was tonight. In this cold weather you have to multi layer. Long pants, two t-shirts, long sleeved top, waterproof jacket and a scarf. On a very chilly night I wear a orange and white striped beanie which has earnt me the name of Cat in The Hat. As the night progresses I remove the layers until I have only a t-shirt on. But the moment I stop moving around the layers are back on.

When the night is still and the air is cold enough to make your breath visible, it is quite beautiful to lie on the exercise mat and look at the inky black sky filled with twinkling stars as I do sit ups. Sometimes, in the adjoining oval, the local football club will be training and I half listen to their shouts of encouragement as they call out to each other. They are equipped with huge floodlights that shine long and far and give the feeling of false daylight, the shadows of the footballers are long as though it were the evening sunshine throwing the light. It is a surreal atmosphere for some reason. Every one doing their own thing yet somehow connecting with each other by just being nearby. A strange sort of companionship that society offers, sometimes by accident.

The footballers always finish their training before our little group and when they go the bright floodlights are switched off. The sudden darkness is like a loud clap in a silent room. The only light left is our own thin one that comes from the roof of the room where the sports equipment is stored when we are not there. It is slightly hazardous in the almost dark evening. We have to run across the oval as part of the programme and you have to be mindful of uneven ground, or worse than that, barker's eggs (aka dog poo). The personal trainer tells us that we use our bodies more efficiently if we have to take more care as we run, we put more thought into what we do. I suppose she has a point there.

Tonight was wet, that fine yet heavy rainfall that soaks through you. We managed to find a reasonably dry spot to do all our hard tasks. I lay on the mat doing some very painful series of movements and the rain blew in from my right side and started to soak my face. The more I tried to shift from it, the more the wet rain seemed to find me. In the end it did not matter as we all had to run out in the rain anyway which ensured a soaking mighty quickly.

Exercise is not an easy thing to embrace, but it is a worthy activity. Whether it be a bracing walk in the park or a heavy pounding on the footpath the end result is always a good feeling. Once I realised that at the actual time of exercise it is normal to feel like shit, it made it much easier to just get on with it. When I first got into exercise I remember thinking I felt awful at the actual time and always wondered when that feeling would go away. Then one day I asked the personal trainer when it would not feel crappy when I ran for 5kms or did 100 squats or 200 sit ups. She laughed and said that it always feels bad but afterwards it always feels great.

After that I that I thought "oh, okay, I get it now". Then figured that for the short time it was hard work was not very long on the scale of things.

My husband goes to the gym a couple of times in the morning. He gets up at 6.00 am and is back within the hour. On a Saturday morning he joins the lycra clad brigade and goes for a 20km bike ride. He has tried to get me to go with but that ain't ever happening. Lycra? Racing bike with the curly handles and narrow bike seat. Combine that with an early morning. No thanks,

I mean, it is one thing to discipline to go to exercise class each evening, but get out of bed before 7.30 am!

You must be kidding!

Ciao
LC

Where Was MY Weekend

On Friday afternoon I had my weekend all thought out.

Clean up the front part of the house completely. Go for a walk in the late afternoon on Saturday. Sunday morning pick up a chair that I bought on Ebay and then do some constructive things in my studio.

Here is how it went.

Saturday. Certainly cleaned up the front section of the house. Went through drawers and had a small throw out. In between that put on three loads of washing and sorted clean clothes to be ready for ironing. So far, so good. Made a vat of pumpkin soup. I was on a roll of productivity.

Then at around 3.00pm some friends dropped in and stayed for almost 2 hours. But that was okay as I thought that I would squeeze in a good walk before it got too dark.

Then my brother and his brood dropped in just after our friends left. They have not been around for ages and so stayed until 6.30 pm and then left for home (refusing an offer of getting some dinner). The house was incredibly silent. S came up to me and said he was hungry. Whilst he at dinner I set up the ironing board and spent the next three hours making small inroads into the huge pile of ironing. No walk.

On Sunday we all went together to pick up a great armchair I bought on Ebay. On the drive back home I decided that I would bake a cake when I got home, then whilst that was in the oven I would pop down the shop and do my week's grocery shopping. My plan was then to get dinner organised in the slow cooker, go for a walk and then spend time in the studio.

And then my plans were completely changed with a visit from a 14 year old girl who lives two doors up from us.

This young girl has a tough history. She and her brother (who is 13) live with the grandparents and have been since she was about 5 years old. Her mother is a drug addict, a prostitute and has been in and out of jail for many, many years. She is completely incapable of looking after her children and they were subsequently taken off her and given to the grandparents to raise. The father of the children has been in jail for armed robbery and other violent acts. He was released late last year and then again in jail for another stint for more armed robbery.

The daughter has some significant personal problems. She has been teased at school for being fat, she has had anger problems and has a fairly needy personality. She has a few attentions seeking traits and sometimes tells lies. Which is to be expected considering her background. For a couple of years she went to counselling which helped her and also her grandparents. She has the making of a bright and intelligent girl. May take a while to get there though.

Now she is 14 and entering those troublesome teenage years. Boys are on her mind. There is no way known she wants to speak to her grandmother. As far as this girl is concerned, her grandmother has no idea, is too old and could never understand her. Which is quite wrong as her grandparents are lovely people with great values and very understanding. The grandmother works full time as a teacher whilst the grandfather keeps the house running. So they are very normal people.

And so today she came over to me to have a talk. Not just a talk, a long talk about boys, her mother, her friends at school. She asked me questions about sex and sexuality. Asked me if I wished I had a daughter and not a son. Just talked and talked and talked.

It is hard to know exactly how far to go with other people's children when it comes to chats about anything to do with sex. But I took the stand of "my house, my rules". I am very comfortable with my values when it comes to sex. So I answered her questions. Gave her the big talk about valuing her body, the consequences of making mistakes (my sister got pregnant at 15), think very carefully before making a decision to have sex as it had to be right or it could have a long term effect on her. Made sure I informed her about sexually transmitted diseases. Spelt them out to her and the long term effects of some of them. Gave her the facts in the nicest possible way.

Three hours of teenage angst in my kitchen whilst I baked a cake.

This is not the first time she has dropped in for a chat. Last time I dropped a big, fat clanger by talking about her mother (she did ask about her) without realising that her grandparents had not actually told her much at all about the whole background. I felt bad about it for quite a long time and today realised that it was quite possible that her grandmother sent her down to me for that very reason.

At about 4.00pm I told her that I had to go food shopping and she wanted to come with. Instead, I took her home (where my son was playing with her brother). As I approached the front door her grandfather ushered me in where I then stayed for another hour and half while the grandmother spoke to me about her granddaughter. I gave her a brief rundown on what had transpired between Jesse and myself. She then said that Jesse would not speak to her about anything so she sent her to me to say hello.

"Well, that is okay for Jesse to come down and speak to me as long as you understand that I will speak to her in the only way I know how, which is to be upfront and I may make her feel a bit awkward. I won't encourage her to have a boyfriend, but I will not discourage either. Do you know what I mean?" I told them both. I wanted them to know that I will speak to their granddaughter in the same way I speak to my son. Some people may not like that.

Well, they were really happy to have her pop over now and then. Hmmmm, not sure how I feel about it happening too often, but if it helps a girl stay on track that is a good enough reason to be there for her.

So, at 5.30pm I made my way to the bright lights of the supermarket where I did my week's shopping.

No walk tonight, no studio time, not much me time. But in a way, I don't mind.

I think I did something a bit more constructive this afternoon.

Ciao
LC

Mopey Post

I was aware from a very young age that my parents relationship was not a happy one. The word relationship never actually came into my head. It was basic knowledge. The sort of awareness a child gathers as they tumble along through their small days. There was always an air of tension and fear. It was pervasive, constant and had a far reaching affect on all of the children for years to come.

It is only hindsight that I can give an opinion as to whether or not it was bad. When you are small, it just is what life is. It may be scary, it may be sad, it may be fearful. But as there is nothing to compare it to and as it is what a child is born into, it is better than nothing at all. For children love their parents regardless of whether they are fearful of them. I think my experience of childhood made me very aware of my responsibility and obligation as a parent to my own child. There was not a snowflakes hope in hell that my son would ever feel anything but safe and loved in his own home.

There was a lot of domestic violence in our house. Physical and verbal abuse. I don't mention this to garner sympathy. I long ago put all that to rest. I only make the comment because that is just one of the things that was part of my life and therefore part of how I became who I am. But for years I felt intense resentment toward my father for being the way he was. As the years passed I realised that it was pointless. It was not as though I had anything to forgive, I just dropped it all and got on with more important things. Besides, there are people out there in the world who experienced such terrible childhoods that I feel mine is fairly run of the mill stuff.

I do know that I picked up on the personality of my father at a fairly early age. When I was six years old I took a piece of chalk and wrote in big letters "dad is spiteful". I wrote it under the kitchen window. The word spiteful was on an angle and the letter "l" was almost horizontal by the time I finished labouring over it. When my mum saw it she made me scrub it off. Not because she thought that what I did was naughty, she did not want my father to see it.

Despite all his obvious unpleasantness, my father could be so kind and understanding that you would not believe him to be the same person that would have been so angry only hours beforehand. There were many times when he gave me helpful advice on difficult personal situations.

I once asked him why he and my mother did not get on. What had she done that had filled him with such anger all the time. He said that my mother and himself were like cat and dog.

"Try to imagine that I am a dog on one side of the fence and your mother is a cat on the other side. We are happy on each side until we come to the gate and see each other. Then we fight," was his explanation. I guess that my parents era of marriage was not one of relationship building. So, he never felt the urge to change the dog and cat pattern.

My parents divorced when I was 24 years old. My father packed his things and left when my youngest sister turned 16. He felt that he had done his duty. He left my mother and sister behind.

I know there are two sides to every story in every marriage.

It is a long time ago. I am not sure what the point of this whole post is. Perhaps there is no point. I shall probably read this later on and delete it as it sounds a bit self pitying, which it is not.

Just now and then I miss him.

Ciao
LC

Party Memory

When I was younger I had the odd party that I attended. Parties were kind of huge in the late 70's and early 80's. Actually, they probably still are huge but I am old now and don't go to them.

I never understood parties as such. I don't mean the sort of parties where you bring a present, have some cake, play some games and take home a lolly bag. I am referring to the sort of party you bring some wine to, hang around the lounge room and kitchen or, if it is hot, hang around outside. Generally, the only reason I ever went to one is because a guy took me or my sister and her husband took me to one.

So, I would get to these parties full of semi drunk people who talked about incredibly boring things. Girls would talk about guys. Guys would talk about cars and fishing. I would stand around like a lost soul looking at magazines, books or opening cupboards to see what was inside. I never mingled. I never made a new friend. I hardly drank or, worse still, drank too much. The person I came to the party with would drift off to chat to his friends whilst I just sat around the room like a shag on a rock before making my way out to the front yard where I would sit and pat the dog or something until it was time to go home. Once I even fell asleep in a bean bag whilst some guy was talking to me.

I have not changed really, but these days I don't care about it. On the rare occasion I have gone with K to a party I have no problem taking a book from someone's bookshelf and reading it once I get bored beyond belief. It may well seem unsociable and rude but it is so much easier for me to do that than talk to a complete and utter stranger. It just isn't me and I am not going to try and change that aspect of my personality any more.

But, last night I was lying in bed thinking about some embarrassing things that have been part of my growing up years. And one of them was an afternoon barbecue party I went to with a guy. His name was Garth. He wasn't a boyfriend, he was just a friend. He liked to go out with me because we looked like brother and sister (freaky but true). He was so unbelievably vain he would constantly look at himself in the mirror at any given opportunity. Frequently he used to tell me that I could be just amazing if I did one of many things. Like, dressed differently, did my hair differently, lost more weight or was more chatty. Since I was "his sister" I used to ignore him and then go out of my way to be less girly just to annoy him.

So, we went to the bbq one sunny Sunday afternoon. I knew a couple of his friends who were quite nice and the bbq was at one of his friend's homes. They were Greek. Lots of food and wine was on hand. This was my Kate Bush combined with Cindy Lauper stage (aka the 80's) so my hair was big, my clothes were multi layered with holes in them, bruised looking eye make up - just the usual screech of the 1980's look.

There were some other girls at the party. But they were into a completely different look. Neat and tidy. Slim skirts, tops or dresses with neat shoes. Nail polish on long slim fingers. Fitted rayon shirts with cap sleeves. Not much make up, neat hair. They were good girls. Excellent marriage material. They sat on chairs in a circle and chatted to each other sipping champagne in fluted glasses. I mosied around talking to the parent's whose house it was being held at, admiring the abundant vegetable garden and the bee hives far down in the backyard.

There was great food on the outdoor table setting. Lovely platters of Greek food, both savoury and sweet. Hot Greek lamb, vine wrapped rice parcels, a variety of salads and the most beautiful array of sticky, sweet pastries. The table was groaning with the amount of food that was on it. In the centre of it all was a giant punch bowl full of freshly squeezed juices, soda water and lots of chopped up fresh fruit.

As it was quite hot and some of the food was quite salty I ended up very thirsty and kept filling my glass with the fruity punch and drinking it. After a few glasses it dawned on me that there may be something boozey in the bowl as I was quite giggly. In fact, I was a bit worse than giggly, I was a bit unsteady on my feet so I sat down on a lone chair with a glass of water to settle my head.

The guy who was holding the party came up to me to see if I was okay and offered to help me inside to sit in a cooler room where they had an air conditioner. Thinking that may be a good idea I agreed and stood up to make my way inside.

As I got up I stumbled a little and he put his hand out to steady me, we hit heads and I laughed really, really loudly. He must have seen this as one of two things. One, I was too pissed to walk or, two, I was up for a bit of fun. So he then took it upon himself to pick me up in the same fashion that a groom would carry his bride over the threshold. My protest was loud enough to ensure the entire group of people at the bbq looked in our direction. This protest was accompanied by a significant effort to get my feet back on the ground.

In those few seconds of him picking me up and me trying to get down, he lost his balance and stumbled, with me still in his arms, and fell onto the table of food which resulted in the collapse of the table along with all the food and myself and him on top of it all.

Worse than that, my final landing spot was on the greasy meat, the punchbowl smashed and my skirt upended enough to cause acute embarrassment.

The only people in the back yard laughing were us two fools (I must have been pissed). His parents helped me up from the ground and brushed my skirt down. The other girls went inside and on their way in looked at me as though I had stripped naked and danced by the light of the moon, so shocked and disgusted were the expressions on their faces.

Garth took me home and told me how disgusting my behaviour was. I had to agree because I also vomited in his car, the smell of some sort of sickly alcohol was noticeable.

He never took me out again, which was not a great loss.

Personally, I just thought the whole thing was more funny than anything else.

Some people just don't know how to have fun...

Ciao
LC